Friendless in Pune
I am a big girl now. I am all of 22 years now and will soon turn 23. Now, I have never really considered birthdays as breakthrough events. The only thing that has concerned me about birthdays for most part of my life is to somehow try and avoid the huge birthday bash organized by my parents at home. But, this time, with my birthday approaching, I feel like taking a trip down memory lane.
As a kid, I was always very alone. I deliberately did not use the word 'lonely' for I myself am not too sure if I was unhappy about it. For a long time, I probably was not even aware of the fact that it was unusual for a kid of my age to spend so much time alone. Being an only child, I had learned to keep myself occupied at all times - watching mushy romantic movies, learning songs and singing them, recording my voice, listening to it over and over again, re-recording trying to sound better each time, sketching, reading, practicing interviews that I would give when I got famous, admiring myself in front of the mirror, talking incessantly to my dolls - these were some of my activities as a 7 year old. I had very few 'friends', so to say. I despised the kids who lived in the same neighborhood since they used bad language and refused to play with them. The girls in my school, I found to be classy and uptight. I shunned them all, telling myself all along that "Someday I will meet the right kind of people and be very good friends with them." Maybe, I felt secure in my shell at that time. I tried desperately to stay out of public eye. The fact that nobody noticed me made me feel safe. I did not speak unless spoken to.
When I was alone, I could be myself. I felt safe in the knowledge that I was not expected to entertain another person. For entertaining meant hard work, and I had found comfort in solitude.
I sometimes feel, maybe, even then, I felt unhappy deep inside about the kind of person I was, even if I did not show it. For I remember deciding at the beginning of every academic year to talk to people, be friendly and funny and talkative and charming like everybody else. Anyway, that plan never materialized and finally in college, I met people who liked me for who I am. They were crazy, insecure people like me. My dream had come true. There was no need for me to change now. These were people who understood me. They were people who were ready to listen. Gradually, I started to feel confident about myself and I couldn't believe it was so easy after having struggled with my coyness for all these years. But the dream did not last long. College got over in 4 years and I was back to being completely alone.
Today, I am in a nice city with a nice job with no friends to celebrate with. There is so much to do, with the CAT inching closer with a compelling determination, but I have lost the will to study. I feel so lonely and insignificant right now. I am losing myself to the routine day by day, minute by minute. I am tired of my colleagues who pretend to be nice. I am tired of all the superficial talk. I am in a mess and need to get out of it. Soon.
As a kid, I was always very alone. I deliberately did not use the word 'lonely' for I myself am not too sure if I was unhappy about it. For a long time, I probably was not even aware of the fact that it was unusual for a kid of my age to spend so much time alone. Being an only child, I had learned to keep myself occupied at all times - watching mushy romantic movies, learning songs and singing them, recording my voice, listening to it over and over again, re-recording trying to sound better each time, sketching, reading, practicing interviews that I would give when I got famous, admiring myself in front of the mirror, talking incessantly to my dolls - these were some of my activities as a 7 year old. I had very few 'friends', so to say. I despised the kids who lived in the same neighborhood since they used bad language and refused to play with them. The girls in my school, I found to be classy and uptight. I shunned them all, telling myself all along that "Someday I will meet the right kind of people and be very good friends with them." Maybe, I felt secure in my shell at that time. I tried desperately to stay out of public eye. The fact that nobody noticed me made me feel safe. I did not speak unless spoken to.
When I was alone, I could be myself. I felt safe in the knowledge that I was not expected to entertain another person. For entertaining meant hard work, and I had found comfort in solitude.
I sometimes feel, maybe, even then, I felt unhappy deep inside about the kind of person I was, even if I did not show it. For I remember deciding at the beginning of every academic year to talk to people, be friendly and funny and talkative and charming like everybody else. Anyway, that plan never materialized and finally in college, I met people who liked me for who I am. They were crazy, insecure people like me. My dream had come true. There was no need for me to change now. These were people who understood me. They were people who were ready to listen. Gradually, I started to feel confident about myself and I couldn't believe it was so easy after having struggled with my coyness for all these years. But the dream did not last long. College got over in 4 years and I was back to being completely alone.
Today, I am in a nice city with a nice job with no friends to celebrate with. There is so much to do, with the CAT inching closer with a compelling determination, but I have lost the will to study. I feel so lonely and insignificant right now. I am losing myself to the routine day by day, minute by minute. I am tired of my colleagues who pretend to be nice. I am tired of all the superficial talk. I am in a mess and need to get out of it. Soon.
posted by moody_mermaid | 8:15 PM
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