What If ...

I have a confession to make. Every time I sit down to make an entry in my blog, I internally resolve to do it every single day. Still, so great is the joy of having succesfully accomplished the mammoth task of creating another phenomenal post that I completely forget about it. Hence, before I begin ranting, I take an oath at this unearthly hour to henceforth honour the promises I make to myself. Having said that, I must also warn you at this point, that this post has the full potential of ending up being a very long one and also random in places, since am blogging after such a long gap.

Phew! 2009! Where have I been the past 6 years. Its been 2 years since I finished college and I am still living in 'Loserville'. I quit my job about a month back. Told everybody that I had other plans - big plans - Of joining an NGO or a Research Project. Today, am still without a job. Not that I repent my decision to quit. They would've kicked me out anyway, the way things were going. So basically, I have nothing but my plans for CAT this year. And oh yeah! In case, I didn't mention this earlier, I scored a 95.3 percentile in CAT last year ( a proud moment considering the amount of preparation that had gone into it :)) and also managed to get an interview call from XLRI Jamshedpur. Royally screwed the interview though and ruined all my chances of building a better life for myself. :(

As much as I try not to dwell in the past, I cant help but think what would've happened if I had lived the past few years a little differently. Chaos Theory afterall suggests that "even a slight change in the initial condition may manifest itself as a huge change in the final outcome".

Would things have been different if I had not met "A"? Things were almost perfect till the end of our induction training. I had performed brilliantly in the training and was on my way to a most glorious career in IT after a year of which I would enter 1 of the premier B Schools in the country. Well, that was the plan initially. But I will have to admit to the fact that I had developed a slight crush on him when I first met him. I secretly kept hoping that we would be together in each of the group activities although I did not express it so openly then. This fear of letting my affection known to others led to a kind of outward fury. I ranted on and on about how arrogant he was and how much I hated the sight of him.

Even later, when we became friends, strangely the friction kept coming back. We argued and fought endlessly over trivial issues. But every time that I was with him, it only became clearer how perfectly he embodied everything that I admire and love so much. He had become my idol, my object of worship. People linked the 2 of us together all the time and that opened the Pandora's box of possibilities for me. (A foolish thought when I look back now) For I forgot that I wanted to do an MBA. I also forgot that had to perform and prove my mettle at the workplace. Before, I knew it, I was thinking about "A" all the time.

But the final realisation came on New Year's eve I think. That night, In my dead drunk state, when he loving lokked into my eyes smiling as sweetly as ever and held my hand, I knew I wanted nothing else but to be truly and madly in love with him.

I wish that moment could last forever. I wish he would not grow so indifferent since that day. Although we remain friends and he tries to love me now knowing how I feel, I know for a fact that there'll always be this lingering hope and I'll always wait for him to feel the same way. And I can't help but wonder if he too would've loved me if he had not met her first!



Kaash
- Call
(My favorite song right now)

wo raastay
gum na ho thay
hum sehra na
bhatak thay

ye sadiyon kay
safar mein
us waqt jo
teher jaa thay

4x: Kuch toh tum keh jaate
2x:
kabhi tho milo ge
kabhi tho kaho ge
hum jo yun na jaate
kaash teher jaate

aaj bhi
talaash hai
wo raastey
chalay the jin pe

is tarah kabhi yun
saath saath
hamesha
is safar mein

4x: hum tumse keh paate
2x:
kabhi tho milo ge
kabhi tho kaho ge
hum jo yun na jaate
kaash teher jaate

2x:
kabhi tho milo ge
kabhi tho kaho ge
hum jo yun na jaate
kaash teher jaate




P.S. I dont care of none of you wanted to read such a long post about my failed love life. I just had to dedicate this post to "us" :)

Friendless in Pune

I am a big girl now. I am all of 22 years now and will soon turn 23. Now, I have never really considered birthdays as breakthrough events. The only thing that has concerned me about birthdays for most part of my life is to somehow try and avoid the huge birthday bash organized by my parents at home. But, this time, with my birthday approaching, I feel like taking a trip down memory lane.

As a kid, I was always very alone. I deliberately did not use the word 'lonely' for I myself am not too sure if I was unhappy about it. For a long time, I probably was not even aware of the fact that it was unusual for a kid of my age to spend so much time alone. Being an only child, I had learned to keep myself occupied at all times - watching mushy romantic movies, learning songs and singing them, recording my voice, listening to it over and over again, re-recording trying to sound better each time, sketching, reading, practicing interviews that I would give when I got famous, admiring myself in front of the mirror, talking incessantly to my dolls - these were some of my activities as a 7 year old. I had very few 'friends', so to say. I despised the kids who lived in the same neighborhood since they used bad language and refused to play with them. The girls in my school, I found to be classy and uptight. I shunned them all, telling myself all along that "Someday I will meet the right kind of people and be very good friends with them." Maybe, I felt secure in my shell at that time. I tried desperately to stay out of public eye. The fact that nobody noticed me made me feel safe. I did not speak unless spoken to.

When I was alone, I could be myself. I felt safe in the knowledge that I was not expected to entertain another person. For entertaining meant hard work, and I had found comfort in solitude.


I sometimes feel, maybe, even then, I felt unhappy deep inside about the kind of person I was, even if I did not show it. For I remember deciding at the beginning of every academic year to talk to people, be friendly and funny and talkative and charming like everybody else. Anyway, that plan never materialized and finally in college, I met people who liked me for who I am. They were crazy, insecure people like me. My dream had come true. There was no need for me to change now. These were people who understood me. They were people who were ready to listen. Gradually, I started to feel confident about myself and I couldn't believe it was so easy after having struggled with my coyness for all these years. But the dream did not last long. College got over in 4 years and I was back to being completely alone.

Today, I am in a nice city with a nice job with no friends to celebrate with. There is so much to do, with the CAT inching closer with a compelling determination, but I have lost the will to study. I feel so lonely and insignificant right now. I am losing myself to the routine day by day, minute by minute. I am tired of my colleagues who pretend to be nice. I am tired of all the superficial talk. I am in a mess and need to get out of it. Soon.

Feels like crap!

Life sucks! You wanna know why, read on :

1) I haven't had a decent outing since October. That was when I hurt myself in the knee.

2) I am 22 and still without a boyfriend. What's worse is there hardly seems to be a possibility of being with anyone in the near future. Not that I'm desperate or anything, but everybody needs to feel cared for sometimes. Besides, everybody has one nowadays. Why not me?

3) Sometimes I feel shitty at 3 a.m. and I have no one to call and talk to about it. I feel so helpless at such times. Its not that I dont have friends. But they're all too busy with their own lives. And since we're all working in different cities and since we dont get to meet as often, the closeness that we had in college seems to have disappeared. And yes, I am still cribbing about being single.

4) This is in continuation with the previous 2 points. (I didn't want to sound like I'm very upset about the boyfriend thing, hence had to split it up... LOL). When I think about it, I knew a lot of mean and nasty girls in college - the kinds who always try to put people down by their words. They're a disgrace to the society I feel. Anyways, so what I was saying is that all these mean, nasty people are in perfect happy relationships. And if you're thinking that that's probably because they are better looking, then you're wrong. I hate to say this, but some of them were outright ugly. And although I may not be the perfect person, I try to be nice to people and dont harm others or even bore others unnecessarily. Then why do I deserve to be alone.

5) I was this epitome of academic brilliance throughout my schooling years. But somewhere down the line something didn't quite work out right. So I ended up studying in a not-so-famous engineering college and came out of college hating the subject that I graduated in. So basically, now I'm an electronics engineer who has all her basics screwed up.

6) And since I was so busy trying to get myself to like the subject, I kept myself away from extra-curriculars like debating and quizzing which I might have probably done well in had i tried. So, nothing phenomenal there too.

7) April is almost here and I still haven't started thinking about CAT 2008, leave alone preparing for it. And the sad part is I have lost all faith in myself. Even if I do manage to crack CAT by some sheer stroke of luck, am almost sure I'll screw up in the interview. I always do.

8) And will somebody please tell me what the matter is with all these girls. If a guy likes any other girl in this world, he is in luuv! And the moment a nice guy likes me, he becomes 'desperate'? Pray, why? This is so unfair!

9) I've tried being brave about my singlehood more than once. Have gone around telling people that I dont need a guy to complete my life and am completely content in my life and all that shit! My cousin teases me saying I'll be this lonely spinster in a big house when I grow old. And although I laugh when she says it, deep down I worry about it too. What if I have don't have anyone to take care of me when I'm old?

10) I've been in a mostly vegetative state since the surgery 4 months back and things aren't changing as fast as I want them to. I'm trying hard to recover, pursuing physiotherapy aggresively, but its not helping my condition much. The doc says it'll take another 3 months for me to get back to normal. Why me? God! Why me?

15 minutes of pure hell

Does that sound like the title of a quick-paced suspense and action flick? The kind where a group of people who have set out on an absolutely pleasant and harmless journey with the slightest desire for adventure find themselves in an entanglement that they cant get out of? If yes, then the title sets the right mood for the story that I'm going to narrate to you.

So here's what happened. It was on the ill-fated night of the 23rd of March that I got stuck in the lift with my family and some friends. Doesn't seem like the perfect mind-numbing nail-biting suspense story yet? Wait till you hear the rest.

After a total of 3 months of rest after my knee surgery, it was suggested by a friend of my mom that it would do my mind some good if we met at her place for dinner that night. Until that point I had been totally reluctant to the idea of stepping out of the house except making those unavoidable trips to my physiotherapist every morning. But, since I was already getting tired of sitting at home and reading and was feeling more and more like a baked potato every minute, after some deliberation I agreed to go. The day having coincided with Holi (the festival of colours) was auspicious and I felt happy to get out of my wrap-around skirts and loose tracks that I had been sporting since the surgery took place. Also my knee now having attained a flexion of almost 90 degrees, I could comfortably position myself in the front seat of the car which felt much better than having to glide into the back seat of the car taking care to keep my right leg outstretched all the while, a technique I had mastered over the past few weeks. Thus, looking the best I had in ages, we set out for Aunty A's appartment. My dad's cousin who is a Professor of Humanities at a local college also accompanied us. The cool breeze coming in through the window caused my hair to fall over my face and irritate my skin every time the car braked and I felt almost normal again. Everything was just perfect.

We haulted for a few minutes to pick up something from a mithai shop for Aunty A and after competing with 2 other cars for a tiny patch of land in the parking space, we walked straight to her beautiful appartment. We used this extremely shoddy lift to propel ourselves to the 7th floor where Aunty A's daughter B welcomed us into their beautiful home. Everything still perfect. (Aha! You thought I would give you the lift bit so soon ... tough luck! :P)

A deep male voice singing Rabindra Sangeet in the background set the mood for the evening. A distinct aroma of fried fish filled the room. I was a little disappointed when I learnt without being told so that we would have to wait a while before we would be allowed to pounce on the food. I, for a fact hate pre-lunch or pre-dinner conversations. If you're thinking am greedy when it comes to food, you're absolutely right. When somebody invites me to dinner, I expect the food to be there on the table when I enter. And on this particular occasion, since I had seen and smelt the food immediately on my arrival, it made the wait all the more difficult. As I was lusting about food, there was a lot of scholarly talk going on in the background. I consciously didn't hear most of it but couldn't help hearing something about the degradation of content and language in the present age newspapers. (And please donot make the mistake of assuming that I was making people around me uncomfortable with my silent indifference. I was very polite to nod at periodic intervals and drop in a 'ahan' and 'that was funny' whenever I could while I secretly drifted away in my dreams :))I tried to occupy myself with the camera for sometime exploring its various features by repeatedly clicking on a certain patch of the sofa illuminated by a dim orange light changing the setting each time I clicked. And just when I was beginning to get bored of that too, dinner was announced. Finally!

Dinner was absolutely worth the wait! With 3 different fish preparations and 1 spicy chicken curry, it was an absolute carnivore's delight. As usual I was the last to finish. Post dinner we had another round of conversation. This time, my stomach full and happy I argued full on on various subjects from why Gujjus are traditionally vegetarian people and how Jainism takes a person's eccentricities to the extreme. It was fun and finally at 12:30 we decided to make a move. Aunty A and her daughter B insisted that they see us off till our car and we readily agreed. It was going to be the perfect end to a more than perfect evening. As we made room for each person who stepped into the lift, I could hear dad silently counting the number of people in his mind. I impulsively glanced back to see 5 persons written on a half torn sticker on the wall of the lift. We were 6 people inside that 1 lift. Nothing to worry about. Afterall, How much harm can 1 extra person in a lift do?

I guess the extra carbon dioxide was suffocating for the space was a little too less for 6 full grown adults. But there was no reason to worry. Afterall, we weren't going to spend more than 2 minutes in there. 7 floors was all the distance we needed to cover.

All of a sudden, I felt the speed of the lift increase a little and before we could realise the lift fell to the basement with a thud. It was amazing. None of us had ever experienced such a thing before. It was like freely falling from the top of a building in a closed box. Uptil this point, we were still calm. We noticed that though we had touched the elevator floor, the inertia had propelled us a little above to a level from where it was not possible to come out of the lift without hurting oneself. So we pressed 1 first hoping the lift would start moving. It didn't budge. We tried the next button to see if we could go to the 2nd floor. It seems it didn't want to go there too. By this time, I had begun to panic because my knee had rendered me disabled to walk normally and jumping off the lift was a little beyond my imagination at that point. So, with bated breath, we tried 3 all of us praying for a miracle. And Voila! The lift was finally moving up. We would soon get down on the 3rd floor and take the staircase for our remaning journey downwards. But no sooner had the lift crossed the first floor than the lift again fell to the basement, with a huge bang this time. My heart beat stopped for that 1 moment and we looked at each other in shock. But the lift started moving up again gradually and we were hoping it would reach the 3rd floor this time when it again came down with a bang. This time some broken crumbs of hardened cement descended on our heads from God knows where. This is when we realised what was actually happening. The lift had for some reason got set in this cyclic motion where it would go up gradually upto the 1st floor and come back again with 10 times the speed and this was not going to stop until we did something about it. For the first few times that it happened we were too shocked to find a solution.

The lift had clearly gone bonkers. More and more debris were falling on us and it was clear now that if it continued for long, the lift would come crashing down on us and each one of us would lose a limb or too in the process ... even if we managed to dodge death. In a state of absolute panic, we tried pushing all the buttons in the lift including the stop button and the warning bell, but as Murphy's Law goes, nothing works when you actually need it the most to work. And so we panicked even more. B tried desperately to call up the society watchman, but her hands were trembling and she struggled to keep the phone from falling. "I can't reach him on the phone" she finally said her voice breaking. "Try again. Keep Trying.", we chorussed. There was nothing else I could do. Aunty A was shaking all over by this time, while my Professor Uncle continued pushing the buttons in the lift. My heart beat was increasing by the second as the lift continued to yo-yo in rage. All of a sudden, I saw mom screaming for help in despair and before we knew it the rest of us had joined in. We were trapped. That was the only thing that was left for us to do.

While I screamed my guts out, I was aggresively praying for a miracle to happen and thats when all of a sudden, B shouted out "Try opening the door". Those were the words that saved our lives. Prof A promptly pulled open the grill door and at that moment the lift came to a halt. We were still hanging in mid air and the risk of the lift crashing down had not totally disappeared, but we now had time to think. It took a few minutes for our heart beats to subside and we could finally talk to the watchman who hurried towards the building. After a minute of silence that seemed like an eternity, we could finally hear some noises outside the lift. The people who were going to save us had arrived. They opened the front door and placed a chair so as to make it easier for each of us to jump off the lift. I had another challenge at hand now. I have been having difficulty seating myself in a chair and how in such a condition I was to unboard the suspended lift was beyond my understanding. Everybody chipped in with suggestions none of which seemed feasible. Finally, I gathered all the courage I had and told myself that I had to do it. So in one quick motion I slid on the floor of the lift being careful not to bend my right knee and then gradually moved out of the lift and onto the chair while dad supported my right leg. Thus, what seemed impossible at first had been ahcieved. We had succesfully saved ourselves from the wrath of the murderous lift. The whole episode seemed like a bad dream when we woke up the next morning. But the blackish cement still there on our heads reminded us that it was true and we had indeed survived a near-death experience.

On a book by Kafka - the author who wished he would disappear

Since my knee was operated on 2 months back, I have preferred seclusion to socialising and forced a sort of lethargy on myself. But after a few weeks of wallowing in my grief and brooding about the future, I decided to come out of it and try and make this period of rest worthwhile. The first thing that came to my mind was to revive my lost passion for reading. So I got 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka ordered.

In this book, right from the opening lines of the book, "Somebody must've made a false accusation against Joseph K., for he was arrested one morning without having done anything wrong", Kafka sets out to express the helplessness of an individual. The entire book traces the prime character, Joseph K.'s struggle to find out more about his case and ways of getting out of it. In this he seeks help from various people - the fusty advocate Herr who provides assistance that is by no means practical, but only anecdotal, Fraulen Burstner, a co-boarder in the house where K stays who even allows him to kiss her once, but rebuffs any further efforts on his part to get in touch with her; and several others. K. throughout his journey is constantly befuddled at the invisibility of the people who accuse him. His suffering is accentuated by the painful realisation that all those people who offer to help him in the matter know no more about his case than he doesand are like him, mere puppets in the hands of the court - a higher sacrosanct body that does not invite anyone, but only supposedly performs its duty by passing its judgement. K. realises that such a system of administration where the spoken word of a group of people is accepted as the truth goes totally against the rule of justice and fairplay. This is made clear in the 2nd last chapter of the book where the court chaplain describes an allegory to illustrate K.'s delusion regarding the court. He narrates the story of a man from the country who seeks to enter through the door of law, but is prevented by a doorkeeper who says that he cannot be allowed to enter at the moment; although he might be let in in the future. Thus, the poor manwaits his chance on a stool outside the door. Years pass. But all his efforts to convince the doorkeeper go futileand he is not able to enter. Finally when he feels that he has only a few breaths left, the doorkeeper on being asked why in all these years there was never anybody else who came seeking the law, informs him that it was because the door he was guarding was meant exclusively for him and noone else. By presenting this parable towards the end of the narration, Kafka kas probably tried to summarize the whole thing and made a final attempt to draw the reader's attention to the central theme of the story. The story finally ends with Joseph K. dying a tragic death at the hands of two strangers sent to exterminate him by the keepers of the law.

What I liked about this book is that the author has in no way tried to impress a certain idea on the readers or to make them sympathise with the central character. The object of writing here as it appears is not to draw morals out of it, but it was a way he chose to let out his own anger, helplessness and frustration that Kafka probably faced in dealing with his own life. He seeks no answers or interpretations from his work here, but only to send out a cosmic question into the void. Yet, he has unwittingly made a very profound statement on how the dominance of a certain higher order raises it to such a pedestal that the real purpose of instituting the body dies squelching any potential challenges to the system. The human involved in such a process is reduced to a mere dwarf who has only to await the judgement passed on him and accept it as a necessity; for he has not the right to ask questions about right and wrong, he has not the right to ask for a trial.

Time for a good laugh

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun micro, we don't pee on our hands."

Resolutions galore!

I'v been thinking about my lif lately and it suddenly seems as though everything has come to a standstill. Can't remember the last time when i had consciously put all my efforts into something. Everything seems to be like a futile excersice ... only body, no soul!!
Though there's plenty of time on hand, i hardly devote any time to contemplating about my future and my goals ... i seem to be progressing blindfolded through a crowd lane ... getting pushed around ... unable to maintain my own weighed down by th myriad influences in the form of opinions and reactions. Nothing goes according to plan ... thr's always something that comes up and ruins me of all determination ... maybe it was a mistake to make resolutions ... am i not supposed to make plans??

These and other thoughts on the same line forced me to take charge of my life and my daily dalings with people. So i've decided to make yet another list of resolutions, and firmly confirm to then dis time. so here it goes:

1) I will henceforth refrain from talking or fooling around and wasting time with people i donot like or relate to. (very very important ... one snide remark is enough to put me off and spoil my mood for d entire day)

2) Will read atleast 2 pages from a good book each day no matter what calamity befalls me (I think everybody would agreee that i need sum good amount of reading seeing the number of cliched terms I quote these days)

3) Will do full justice to my dear bloggie writing in at least once every week even if its all gibberish like the current post.

4) Will treat sleep as a thing of utmost importance not compromising my quota of 6 hours of sleep for anything as it enables me to think clearly and logically.

5) Will work positively to beat my sensitive side and not let myself get affected by what others think of me.